Nothing But A Fucked Up Feeling
by Red Ink Madame
Summary: If he's honest, the message is probably one of the many reasons he fucked Nina. He knows that Mackenzie is far smarter than he'll ever be and he knows that she doesn't believe him every time he says he doesn't remember what the message said.


It would be so easy for him to say that Nina is a meaningless fuck and maybe she is. Maybe it's the easiest way for him to deal with the fact that he still isn't over Mackenzie and never will be.

He's sure that if he's going to get all romantic, Mackenzie has always had his heart and his not quite sure if he'll ever ask for it back.

But that's where the romantic part stops. It's not as easy as falling back in love with someone, when you haven't exactly stopped loving them.

Maybe he thinks that Nina will help him move on, but then he knows he probably won't.

He hasn't exactly forgiven her for the four months that she was fucking Brian, when she was still in a relationship with him.

And quite simply, it isn't as easy as moving on.

Moving on means so many things and ultimately it means forgiving her and he knows that he isn't quite ready to do that just quite yet.

Part of him he knows he is being an ass, but the other part wants her to know just how hard she ripped his fucking heart out.

Nina isn't exactly what he would call a relationship, he hasn't really had one since Mackenzie. Sure he's fucked a lot of woman and if he's honest Nina's probably just another one that he's fucked.

Part of him wonders why Nina even fucked him when she knew that he still wasn't over Mackenzie. Sure he knows that she liked him and has wanted to date him since the New Year's Eve party, but she's smart enough to know that the message he left for Mackenzie was "the real thing".

But he isn't blaming her, he asked her out a date. Sure she turned him down before fucking him instead, but it's hardly her fault. He's the one to blame.

If he's honest, the message is probably one of the many reasons he fucked Nina. He knows that Mackenzie is far smarter than he'll ever be and he knows that she doesn't believe him every time he says he doesn't remember what the message said.

He knows he lies because it's easier and using the fact that he was high, seems like a reasonable excuse.

He's not sure what he'll do when she finds out what the rest of the message said, because he knows she'll find out someday soon. He hopes it isn't the same day that she finds out that he has being fucking Nina Howard. He isn't even sure how she'll react.

So maybe Nina is what he needs until he can figure his shit out if he ever does, he knows it's stupid and it probably be something he'll regret. But he can't just pick up where he left with Mackenzie. It's far more complicated then that.

And then he doesn't want to fuck up their working relationship, when he knows that she's the best EP he's ever had. He respects the work she does and quite frankly he'd be fucked without her. No one knows him better than her and he knows that she knows him better than he knows himself.

He knows that he's playing a dangerous game with Nina and even though she's nothing more than a gossip columnist. He knows that someday everything could come out. He knows that she's probably just using him as much as he's using her. He knows that he shouldn't trust her and he isn't really. All he wants right now is something that isn't complicated. Something with no strings attached. Something without history and the fuck load of emotional baggage that comes with.

He also knows he can't be in a relationship with Mackenzie with the state his mind is in. Despite everything and the fact that she cheated on him. He can't be in a relationship when he can't seem to forgive her or move on. He knows things will never go back to the way they were. He's far from being delusional about that. He's changed too much and he's nothing like the man he used to be.

But unlike Nina, he's not going to treat Mackenzie like some meaningless fuck. He knows that she means too much to him and despite everything, he loves her too much to treat her like that.

So until the day that he figures his shit out, moves on and finally forgives Mackenzie, he'll keep fucking Nina instead.


End file.
